Only in Dreams.

I had a dream last night that I wasn't accepted into BCIT. It didn't really bother me in the land of dreams, but when I woke up, I realized how crushing something like that would be to me.

I've put all my energy and motivation into preparing to go to college, that I haven't yet considered what I might do if I don't get in for the fall semester. I'm set on quitting my job in August. I've been working massive amounts of overtime just to fund my unemployment for 2 years starting in September. My mental health and happiness has begun to focus on the relief of actually having a 9-5, Mon-Fri schedule.

I'd be crushed if I don't get in. Absolutely.

I guess this means I should start preparing for the worst-case scenario.. you know, just in case. Until I get that letter of acceptance into hand, anyway. (Not that I'm honestly all that worried.. but it has been a little unsettling that I haven't gotten it, yet.)

In other news, it's been a month, at least, since I've shaved my arms. It's a strange sensation to have hair on a part of my body. I don't think I like it.

Annie's Haiku of the Day:

Time is running short,
I must make Haiku quickly,
My bus will not wait.

Wine, wine, wine..

You never really know how much you drink until you look back at all the damage it's done to your liquor reserves.

I sorted out my 'cellar', today. After having over 60 bottles of wine in my house (Vieux Chateau du Roi and Vidal Icewine) I managed, finally, to hide 10 bottles of each away to age safely. This left myself and my Heterosexual Life-Mate 3 bottles of each to consume. Careful calculation suggests that I have 13 bottles of each left.. from an original 30.

Where did they all go?!

Now, before I consider myself a raging alcoholic (Really, there's no room to be an alcoholic when I'm already a raging coke head) I do have to realize that I am incapable of being entirely selfish, and I HAVE given a lot of this shit away. (My friends, you are lucky people) But..I know for damn sure I didn't give away 17 bottles of each. My liver suggests I hardly gave away more than 10 of each kind.

Me, a lush..

So if we say I've consumed over 7 bottles of (My own, not counting other wines L has been pushing on me), that's still quite a bit of liquor consumed over the past month and a half. A bottle of wine can last me 2 to 3 days if I only stick to 2 glasses a day.


Whoa.

Oh yeah.. did I mention I have 5 more kits (at 30 bottles each) on the go? My poor, poor liver..

Annie's Haiku of the Day:

Can't shake this feeling,
Skin is crawling at night time,
Scared of my shadow.

Surreal Haiku

Because I promised:

Neighborhood children,
They come to me for candy,
And I love them so.

On a lonely night,
I go to see my children,
Nuzzled in their beds.

Quiet and so dark,
Just a little bit dusty,
Inside my crawlspace.

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Smackin' my bitches,
Cappin' niggas for da Hos,
Hardcore Pimpin' life.


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Rotting in the sky,
Sharpened pole through private parts,
Medieval Torture!

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Sometimes I am proud,
And I can do anything!
My mom says I'm cool.

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Wailing on my axe,
Wind blows through my silken clothes,
I am a Ninja.

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It is now time for me to get ready for work. Enjoy the Haiku. :)

Unrestful

So I bottled my wine, last night. -My- wine. Not something I was making for anyone but myself. It was nice. I made my own little labels and everything, which are sickeningly sentimental, but likely just funny to anyone who doesn't understand them.

I also got way too drunk.

My long awaited 3 day weekend is over, and I feel not a bit as rested as I should. Possibly because I didn't take any time to sit back and relax. Whoops. Oh well, back into the work week head-first, for me. Maybe I'll get lucky and catch the aids so I can finally have a day for myself. Of course, that would require more unprotected sex with hookers on my part. Oh darn.

I'm glad the holidays are over. I've been getting tired of everyone around me whining about how terrible everything is. For a season that's supposed to be filled with loving thy family/neighbor/brother/sister/friend, people sure do get bugs up their asses. It's like everyone is so resentful of all the things they feel like they're forced into doing, that they forget to be happy when they're actually -supposed- to be. We'll see what the new year brings. If it's anything like last, mine will be spectacular; save that everyone around me will be writhing in agony.

Maybe I should consider myself blessed.. but I just keep thinking about how I would trade my good luck in life to everyone around me just to see someone smile, again. It's depressing being the only person you know who's not depressed. Whoops. Oxymoron.

I've been looking for something to distract myself with, lately. Haven't really found anything. Watching Deadwood, again, as there's so much it appears that I missed. It's like reading a good book over again. Maybe I'll set aside some more time to get more involved with it, until I find a good video game to play. Mm. That would be nice.

Annie's Haiku of the Day:

An occupied mind,
Distracted so easily,
Doesn't feel as much.

Kick me while I'm down.

I find it rather annoying that the skills I will be learning in 8 short months are not accessible to me, now. I find it even more annoying when I'm faced with work-place issues that require me to have said training.

I was struck dumb last night at work by a tiny Filipino lady. (I think I'm spelling it right in the right context..) I don't know what it is with some people, and their need to absolutely spaz over situations, but it leaves me lacking in knowledge on how to react when someone is acting, to me, like I'm their child who hasn't cleaned their bedroom.

The Appy station wasn't wiped down. It wasn't perfectly stocked. I understand this, but communicating it to me in manners which are polite, softly spoken, and not personally insulting generally allow someone to get a more clear message through.

Instead, I have a woman who is, for all intensive purposes, a dish washer.. berating me for not working 'hard enough' when I busted my ass all day to compensate for an untrained employee. Yapping like a dog in a barrage of squealing insults that sound like they'd been mulled over for hours. Completely out of the blue.

About the time she called me (paraphrased) a lazy ass, was the time I turned around and walked away from her. I knew my stunned reaction would wear off eventually, and I'd get upset. I don't need to get upset like that. It's not professional.

I called Jason afterwards, and he told me what I did was wrong, as well... but given the training and choices in front of me, it was the best reaction I could have had.

Regardless, I know I'll hear about it, tonight. It makes my stomach turn.

A long one..

A friend of mine showed up at my job, today. He waited patiently at a table, ordered himself an Irish Breakfast (over-easy eggs and whole wheat toast) and after I finished making it for him, I came out to say hello. As with all greetings with this particular Bloke of mine, it was a friendly chit-chat, until I mentioned an upcoming tea-party that I assumed, in my ignorance, he'd been invited to. That was when I made a man cry, today.

I felt terrible when I stuffed my foot in my mouth.. unknowingly pressing a painful button in a man whom I know to be lonely.. who has such terrible self esteem as to believe his friends don't need him, or value his company. In a way, I can sympathize with his feelings, which was what made me feel all the more helpless in the situation.

I made him a cake, and tried to send it out to him via waitress, but when she went to bring it out to him, she found the bill paid, and he was gone.

Jason brought me a book home from one of his APICS meetings recently. When I started reading the first couple of chapters, I got an uncomfortable feeling in my gut that it was going to be one of those cheesy 'self help' guides to feeling good about yourself. It turned out to be something a little bit more inspiring, actually.

I'm not quite half through with it, yet.. but already I've noticed a great deal of symptoms labeled within it that I display concerning negative thoughts and feelings that cause me stress. Most people wouldn't consider me a stressful person, I guess. It's probably because I have such a strong 'Poney Up' sense in my mind that I force myself not to display my discomfort to others. That, or I keep telling myself I'm being an idiot.

Regardless, I find it fascinating that my imagination is so capable of causing me anxiety, simply from me thinking of a possible bad outcome for a situation. This, being a pattern that I notice myself falling into quite often, and something that had caused me great mental trauma in the past.

I wonder, however.. if I force myself not to consider a situation capable of turning bad.. will it cause me not to be prepared for if it does? Or, is it merely better to live in blissful ignorance?

Something tells me, I'd rather be blind and happy, then to search the people around me for knives behind their backs. Of course, maybe I should finish reading the book before I come to any concrete conclusions.

I'm tired, and I work tomorrow morning. I guess it's time to turn off this machine and get some sleep. I'll practice on thinking pleasant thoughts before I drift off.

Nausea

So, I had my last Japanese class of the semester yesterday and I'll have the last Graphics class tonight. Then next week is finals. I woke up with the overwhelming sense of anxiety and nausea. It was like a small war to choke it back. I sat down at my desk and looked across it for some sign of my homework like I normally do and when I didn't see any, I was at a loss. It didn't occur to me for some time that I hadn't actually been assigned any homework because the next time we meet, it'll be for the final.

I can't keep being like this at the ends of semesters. I don't sleep well and all I do is worry my little head off about whether or not I've done enough. There's a sort of cold and unacceptable lack of control I feel right at the end of semesters and once I'm done with school, I think I'll be able to get past the idea that I'm ever under scrutiny. That the syllabus defines my worth and my work ethic.

In other news, I've decided to try to do the National Novel Writing Month Challenge for myself. Normally, this happens in November but I'll do it in January. We'll see what I can get out of it. To define: The NaNoWriMo Challenge is to write a 50,000 word novel within a month. This is supposed to be a slap in the face to authors who take a decade to put out a novel of the same length but I'm kinda thinking that it'll be a good mental exercise. I'll roleplay some and get some inspiration and then knock out 3k words or something. I've written more than 3k on the spur of the moment before and I do heavily believe that I can do it again. Once I'm done, maybe I'll get it bound and give it to a few people. Publishing will be right out as I'm confident that it would be rejected all over the place.

After next week, I have three weeks of vacation. From everything. I can get myself back in shape for authorization in the Spring, do some writing, play some WoW. Maybe even get the house in a clean and decent order. Three weeks is a long time and there's a lot I can do with it. Like promise to get up at 8am every day. Even Saturdays.

I'd like that.