A long one..

A friend of mine showed up at my job, today. He waited patiently at a table, ordered himself an Irish Breakfast (over-easy eggs and whole wheat toast) and after I finished making it for him, I came out to say hello. As with all greetings with this particular Bloke of mine, it was a friendly chit-chat, until I mentioned an upcoming tea-party that I assumed, in my ignorance, he'd been invited to. That was when I made a man cry, today.

I felt terrible when I stuffed my foot in my mouth.. unknowingly pressing a painful button in a man whom I know to be lonely.. who has such terrible self esteem as to believe his friends don't need him, or value his company. In a way, I can sympathize with his feelings, which was what made me feel all the more helpless in the situation.

I made him a cake, and tried to send it out to him via waitress, but when she went to bring it out to him, she found the bill paid, and he was gone.

Jason brought me a book home from one of his APICS meetings recently. When I started reading the first couple of chapters, I got an uncomfortable feeling in my gut that it was going to be one of those cheesy 'self help' guides to feeling good about yourself. It turned out to be something a little bit more inspiring, actually.

I'm not quite half through with it, yet.. but already I've noticed a great deal of symptoms labeled within it that I display concerning negative thoughts and feelings that cause me stress. Most people wouldn't consider me a stressful person, I guess. It's probably because I have such a strong 'Poney Up' sense in my mind that I force myself not to display my discomfort to others. That, or I keep telling myself I'm being an idiot.

Regardless, I find it fascinating that my imagination is so capable of causing me anxiety, simply from me thinking of a possible bad outcome for a situation. This, being a pattern that I notice myself falling into quite often, and something that had caused me great mental trauma in the past.

I wonder, however.. if I force myself not to consider a situation capable of turning bad.. will it cause me not to be prepared for if it does? Or, is it merely better to live in blissful ignorance?

Something tells me, I'd rather be blind and happy, then to search the people around me for knives behind their backs. Of course, maybe I should finish reading the book before I come to any concrete conclusions.

I'm tired, and I work tomorrow morning. I guess it's time to turn off this machine and get some sleep. I'll practice on thinking pleasant thoughts before I drift off.