Wah wah wah.....

Oh, I should be studying.

I haven't watched so much television in the past month as I have in two days. I have a marvelous gift of procrastination and distracting myself. At this moment, this is a display.

Times like these when I allow myself to drift in thought and ignore my 'duties' is when I start to think about things that I haven't bothered to think about in a long time. Kind of like how I'm reading this blog when I haven't bothered to in over a month.

I wonder what parts of my old life will go back to normal once this school bullshit is all over? Being here to write this makes me wonder how the relationship between my co-author and myself will evolve, or if it will continue to deteriorate as many things do over time.

I have this coppery taste of regret in the back of my mouth sometimes when I see how much things have changed. No matter how much I've improved upon myself as a person and grown to be a different creature.. I still miss so many things in my past.

At this particular moment? This part of my past. I'm terrified a time will come when I realize that I only have memories left.

Please don't let that happen.

Agreement.

Lucid.

In that place between consciousness and sleep, I am a very unhappy person.

When I dream, I am a blank slate. I have no identity. I have little memories, save for the ones I make up to suit the situation that I am in. When I wake up, my brain goes through the process of putting back together the person that I really am… Like a computer rebooting. That’s when I remember all of the things in my life that I would rather not think about.

A friend said to me, the other day: "I wish you lived close enough for me to take you for granted.."

While the lady that was pumping gas across from us gushed distractedly about how cute such a term was, I found myself concerned that she might think that he was hitting on me... and the true meaning of what he meant kind of escaped me in that moment.

Now as I sit awake, realizing that my flight leaves in 10 hours and 16 minutes, I've kind of had time to stew on that meaning and understand what I should have taken out of it.

This past month has kind of been an eye opener. In so many ways that I could write novels about it. I've never felt such emotional chaos in my life as this mixture of happiness, relaxation, anger, despair, stress, relief, and longing. Wrapped up into 30 short days; my moods have been twisting so wildly that I think, perhaps, I know what it is to be Bipolar. Or at least something close.

Nothing makes you feel like a total and complete asshole.. than moving away from your friends and family. I can't count on my fingers the number of times my mother has broken down into tears, sobbing over my inevitable departure... speaking as though I might be dying instead of just going home.



I feel almost.. betrayed in the sense of my friends, concerning the ways they treat me: Like it's a never-ending birthday that I endure; receiving the utmost respect, and reverement; seeing the most impressive fronts, and having them 'making the best of it while you're here'.

It's not that I don't enjoy the attention, mind you; but I guess I kinda feel like I want to live close enough to be taken for granted. I don't want to think people feel obligated to treat me any differently, just because they won't see me, again. I don't like the reminders of those important friendships that I have left behind.

I feel confidant that the majority of them will stand the tests of time; but also.. I hate that disturbing feeling of wanting to pick up the phone and call someone over to watch TV, and then remembering that they don't live a block away from me, because I told Minnesota to get up and go fuck itself.

I don't do well with Farewells and Good Byes. I always get awkward during them, and would rather just get the departure over with, rather than sit and consider how sad I'll be when I miss someone.

On the plus side: I adore my parents, but living here with them for a month has almost been hell. In that way, I really wish I lived close enough to be taken for granted.. because then I wouldn't have to make these long trips out here like this. To sit and listen to my mother cry because she misses me, and wrongly places her concept of happiness, and her sense of well being on my physically being there.

That.. is just something that is impossible to live up to. It makes it easier to leave, however.

That about sums it up. Good bye, internetland.

An epiphany.

It must be written, for it is GENIUS.

I was making pancakes for lunch, today, at 3pm. It was a desperate attempt on my part to remain awake while I was studying for my Project Management final tomorrow. (Which.. if I continue to procrastinate any further, I will fail like I bombed BSYS on Tuesday, but I digress..)



My mind was wandering, as it tends to do.. considering the intricacies of the food I was about to consume, and the recipe needed to prepare it. The name, I've always considered to be an odd one. Pancakes. Cakes? They look nothing like cakes. Well. Maybe they'd be more like cakes in a stack. Maybe if they had a chocolatey, more actual cake-like batter...

And then, it became all too clear.

What if I did have a cake batter? What if I did cook it in a pan? Wouldn't I then have the means to make an absolutely awesome layered cake? Each individually cooked 'pancake', cut down to size, and stacked atop another with a thin layer of icing in between?

Oh. Oh yes.

And so I write it down.. because I cannot rely upon my memory anymore. Hopefully, I'll remember to come back and read this, later.

The television has begun to concern me, lately. It keeps telling me that I should be eating yogurt, having a baby, and getting married. I suppose this comes from the shallow glimpses I get of the glowing tube in between desperate attempts to keep my sanity, and textbook reading.

Maybe it doesn't help that I keep watching 'Slice', which is a channel dedicated to middle-aged women. A lot of the shows fascinate me.. but for reasons such as: I get glimpses into the lives of other people (Til Debt do us Part, Intervention, ect..).

But none the less.. with the more I watch, and the glimpses I get into other peoples' lives (Not all of which are in debt horribly or addicted to drugs), I realize just how fucked up my priorities are.

I have no intention to have a baby.

I have no intention to get married, even (which may come as a dull, painful surprise to Jason).

It seems that the things that other people value as important in their lives, such as getting married, having a family, filling their houses up with expensive televisions, cars, shoes, clothes, and fashionable furniture... they just don't do it for me.

When I look at my friends.. I see them doing the same things that I avoid. All of them. I consider the value they place on these actions, and I wonder why I don't have an inkling of desire to follow in their footsteps... and then I look back at myself and I wonder what I truly value out of life.

That's where I come up lacking. Major goals for me are having a nice job and making a lot of money. Buying a house I can be comfortable in, that has a big yard so I can have a garden. Making wine, and having a cellar. Ballroom dancing. Throwing fancy tea parties, and playing video games...

All these selfish things that I want for myself are so goddamned simple.. they're things people give up to spend 15,000$ to get married, or the huge dollar sign/responsibility drain that children take up.

I wonder why my priorities are so petty. Is there something wrong with me?